There is a glossary at the end of this article on certain scientific terms and Malay terms which may help the reader to understand the article better. Â
When you hear about “kahwin dulu, baru dating“, probably in your mind you will be thinking about a guy with a kopiah 24 hours on his head marrying a girl who wear the tudung labuh or even a niqaab, better known as purdah at Malaysia. Your first instinct will also probably be, “I pray, I fast, I wear tudung, but I am not these extreme ‘alim people. I need to get to know my partner for life inside out. So, I need to date him, to know whether we are serasi or not.” I perfectly understand your concern. I understand that you are not ‘crazy’ enough to just jump into a marriage without knowing who your partner really is. So in the end, this kahwin dulu baru dating trend becomes an exclusive thing among people who are active in dakwah and jemaah, while the muslim masses are walking together holding hands or ‘hanging out’ at restaurants at KLCC, Mid Valley, etc. Some of these people are perhaps incurable, but I believe some just don’t get how kahwin dulu baru dating can actually work. I will try my best to show you that kahwin dulu baru dating actually works, and romantic love is hogwash in supposedly spotting the ideal partner for a long-lasting marriage.
Firstly, I have heard about people mocking about those who had successful marriage through matchmake as just being ‘lucky’. To set the record straight, according to National Geographic, the divorce rate of the Western world which embraces total romantic love is around 50 to 60% - a healthy percentage indeed! So, even if you start your marriage with romantic love, the probability for it to last untill death-do-you-apart is less than half. I would like to call upon those ardent defender of romantic love to pause for awhile and enjoy this statistics before proceeding to conjure some pseudo theories about the advantages of having romantic love - you can’t fool the figures. I would say that the western society has 1001 flaws in keeping a safe household and those ‘other factors’ surely contribute to the statistics, but the fact still remain that romantic love fails to spot these people’s partner for life. According to a study done by Utusan Malaysia, our country also has a divorce rate of 54% and our society is practically westernised with majority embracing romantic love - although maybe not the type that ends up on the bed. So it’s the same old story, statistics wise.
Some people say we need to know whether we have ‘chemistry’ through countless dates, hang outs, and spending a lot of time together. Going through a person’s ‘CV’, peer opinion or recommendation, observing her/him in public, and a brief get-to-know session are just not enough. We know that during this courting period, everyone pijak semut pon tak mati, and you will always forgive your partner’s shortcoming no matter how big they are, simply because you are madly in love. How many times have we heard about glitch-free Pakwe 1.0 who eventually turned into Husband 1.0 with lots of viruses and trojan horses? Also note that I am not saying go into a marriage with someone you know you don’t like, but I am saying you don’t need these romantic craps to know a person through and through. The fact is you won’t really know a person unless you live, eat, and sleep with him or her.
I wonder how Amazon.com can make big bucks, if everyone really insist in browsing through a book before buying it. Worst still, this book has a lot of pages written in magic invisible ink that will only show up after you buy it! So you never really know what you are buying. What if good reviews, high-praise critics, and best sellers are not enough for one to make a decision to buy a book? I admit that drawing an analogy between life partner with a book just doesn’t make sense at all. Let’s get scientific. So what really is this thing called love? Anthropologist Helen Fisher, a professor at Rutgers University, has conducted an extensive research on the biochemical pathways of love in all its manifestations: lust, romance, attachment, the way they start and wane, etc. Here is part of what her research is about:-
“After doing MRI on the brain of two lovers - they had been ‘madly in love’ for seven months during that time - she found out that parts of brain linked up to reward and pleasure - the ventral tegnmental area and the caudate nucleus- lit up. What excited Fisher most was not so much finding a location, an address, for love as tracing its specific chemical pathways. Love lights up the caudate nucleus because it is home to a dense spread of receptors for a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which Fisher came to think of as part of our own endogenous love potion. In the right proportions, dopamine creates intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation to win rewards. It is why, when you are newly in love, you can stay up all night, watch the sun rise, run a race, ski fast down a slope ordinarily too steep for your skill. Love makes you bold, makes you bright, makes you run real risks, which you sometimes survive, and sometimes you don’t.” [The Chemistry of Love, National Geographic]
Sounds familiar? Mind you that mentally-ill people also shows high amount of dopamine in their brain, and scientists cannot tell apart one who is mentally-ill and one who is ‘madly in love’ by just MRIing their brains. Cool, right? The meaning of ‘madly in love’ is more real than what we think of, as the brain chemistry of infatuation is indeed akin to mental illness. Tak heran la, pijak semut pon tak mati, lautan api pon akan ku redah, dan gunung tinggi mana pon akan ku daki. Do you think an orang gila can make a sound judgement? The fact is, when you are in deep romantic obsession, you just want to win rewards from your partner due to the excessive dopamines, not objectively finding faults in him or her as you claim. Of course nobody is perfect, there is no point in finding every faults in your partner, and supposedly marriage is about reconciling differences and accepting the fact that your partner is another human being, inescapable from making mistakes. What I am stressing here is that dating and hanging out are for mere pleasures, not finding the right partner. How can something that is similar to mental-illness becomes a reliable way to make your decision of a lifetime? So am I still not convincing? Let’s hear further what Dr. Helen Fischer has to say about the chemistry of love:-
“Most scientist who studied love, divide it into three segments: lust, romantic obsession, and attachment. The first stage of it which is lust which is actually the sex drive. One of the things that men like about women is their waist to hip ratio, which according to scientists, the desirable waist to hip ratio is point seven. woman are attracted to man with broad shoulders and rugged features, all showing a great deal of testosterone. The second stage of love is romantic passion, and the same chemcals are involved when a person is in love is when they are high on Amphetamine [dopamine stimulus] , and the scientists are speculating that it ends after about four years, and that’s because that is the amount of time that it takes for a human baby to become ‘viable’. And two things happen, either the couple separate or they stay together in long term relationship. That third stage is called attachment and there is a different chemical in brain that is involved in a long-term relationship, which is called oxytocin, and that causes one to feel very calm and soothe. Emily and Brian of Ohio had been married for 60 years and have twenty children. They were to me sort of perfect example of this long-term relationship attachment.” [The Chemistry of Love, National Geographic]
So, according to scientists, this romantic passion can only last at maximum for four years, but they don’t quite know why yet - biology is always vague. Some say that the human body just can’t stand the state of high in dopamine for so long because it deteriorates the body, while some gave the theory that four years is the maximum time span for a couple to have their first baby, so they need to get ’serious’. Whatever it is, no wonder a lot of people complain that their once glitch-free Pakwe 1.0 turned into Husband 1.0 with lots of viruses and trojan horses. Another thing to point out is that couples who are in long-term relationship show high amount of oxytocin in their brains, which is a totally different chemical from dopamine. Oxytocin is also present when you have good relationships with your parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. So what makes a relationship last long is this feeling of attachment to your partner like you have for your parents, friends, and family, not the romantic passion during courtship. It is interesting to note that oxytocin causes one to feel very calm and soothe, while dopamine creates intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation to win rewards. There is no similarity at all between these two chemicals; in fact, their purposes are actually the opposite to each other. So only a fool would think that romantic passion is the mechanism that should be used to find a suitable partner. It is like trying to use a hammer to cut your finger nail.
“And those who say: “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of those who have Taqwa.” [Qur'an 25:74]
Is qurrota a’yun (comfort of our eyes) mentioned in the Qur’an, the feeling of calm and soothe (triggered by oxytocin) that is presence when a relationship is based on attachment? Finally, let’s listen to what Jody Cobb, the photographer of National Geographic magazine who wrote the article The Chemistry of Love, has to say about her impossible task: Photographing love:-
“I didn’t want to just photograph weddings, that I think is what is expected. I didn’t want to do a valentine, I didn’t want to do a hallmark card. The notion of love because anyone who has ever really been in love knows that, that’s not the reality. So I was very much interested to show real life and cultures all over the world. And women are becoming educated and wanting to make their own choices in mate selection, things are changing really fast. And just like in the West, where we trully believe in love and romance and happily ever after, we still have a 50-60% divorce rate.” [The Chemistry of Love, National Geographic]
It is pretty clear now that dating dulu baru kahwin doesn’t come even close to ensure a happily-ever-after relationship. Ironically, those ‘extreme ‘alim people’ are the ones who understand real love and real life, not those Casanovas. Do note that I am not saying if you kahwin baru baru dating then your marriage will last forever, but if you dating dulu baru kahwin then you are doom to failure. I am simply pointing out that romantic passion has nothing to do about spoting the ‘right person’ in your life. It is also true that incompatibility may happen between two persons, like there is just no chemistry between the two of you. The point is, you don’t need to go on countless hang outs to spot that. You don’t need to overload your neuropathways with excessive dopamine to find the supposedly elusive chemistry. It is common sense: You sit down and talk with a person for 15 minutes and you’ll know whether you can get along with that person or not. I am talking in general, meaning even with a stranger who you want to make him as your friend, not just your life partner. As for the opposite gender, more than that, it is the evil desire from your nafs. Of course, if you are still in doubt, go through the person’s ‘CV’, find peer opinion or recommendation about that person, observe her/him in public, and so on and so forth, as long as it is according to the syariah. Whatever you do, don’t get mentally-ill. In the end, you still have to ride all the gelora after the romantic passion dies out and you dah kahwin - Husband 1.0 and Wife 1.0. Last piece of advice: Ride them with oxytocin, not dopamine, ok? Above all, bring along taqwa, inshaAllah it will be pretty smooth sailing.
“I love you because of your religion. If you let go of your religion, then I have to let go of my love for you” Imam Nawawi.
Glossary:
Scientific terms:
Neurotransmitters - are chemicals that are used to relay, amplify and modulate electrical signals between a neuron (brain/nervous system cells) and another cell.
Dopamine - Dopamine is a neurotrasmitter and it has many functions in the brain. Most importantly, dopamine is central to the reward system. Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released by naturally rewarding experiences such as food and sex. Disruption to the dopamine system has also been strongly linked to psychosis and schizoprenia, with abnormally high dopamine action apparently leading to these conditions. Now you can see the link between sex/romantic passion and psychosis.
Oxytocin - Oxytocin is a mamalian hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people. Oxytocin is also an important hormone for women for various reasons, but in this article I am focusing on the function of oxytocin in the brain.
MRI - MRI stands for Magnetic resonance imaging, which is a non-invasive method used to render images of the inside of an object. In this particular case, it is used to render images inside of the brain.
Malay terms:
kahwin dulu baru dating - A loose translation would be: Marriage first, only then comes dating.
dating dulu baru kawhin - A loose translation would be: Dating first, only then comes marriage
tudung - hijab
serasi - compatible
pijak semut pon tak mati - Literally it means: Even if you step on an ant, the ant won’t die. What it actually means is someone who control his behavior to give a false, good impression during dating.
pakwe - boyfriend
Tak heran la, pijak semut pon tak mati, lautan api pon akan ku redah, dan gunung tingga mana pon akan ku daki - Literally it means: No wonder he steps on an ant, the ant won’t die, and he will say, “I will cross a fiery ocean for your sake, I will climb the tallest mountain for your sake.” I guess you get the meaning already
References:
1. Slater, Lauren. The Chemistry of Love. National Geographic Magazine, February 2006
45 responses so far ↓
a. suraya // Jun 9, 2007 at 8:50 pm
You wrote:
What I am stressing here is that dating and hanging out serve only one perpose: indulging in your nafs, not finding the right partner.
As for the opposite gender, more than that, you are just indulging in your nafs.
My question: Are you sure the word for “nafsu” (Malay) is “nafs” (Arabic)?
Islamists with ignorance, and telling other people to behave! Behave yourself!
Taufik // Jun 10, 2007 at 12:01 am
I guess nafs is self, and sometimes refered to as the lower self, especially in tasawwuf. I guess you are right, indulging in your nafs, doesn’t make sense. Maybe I should say evil desire from your nafs. Makes more sense, right? Thanks for the correction.
WhatTheF**k // Jun 10, 2007 at 6:28 am
Dont talk talk la meh, the ustaz and ustazah here go dating also.
Last year, this ustaz of mine (actually a classmate and we call him ustaz because he’s the one that is looked as more religious than others) biseng biseng about people going out dating. Now, when we’re overseas, he goes dating too with another classmate (religious too). What the f**k is that? How ironic!
Like I said, don’t just talk. Are you married? Have you dated before? Have you broke up with somebody before? If talking(writing) based on what-so-ever research and people’s experiences without knowing what it is actually is, than better not.
If you are in my shoes, you will know how f**kingly irritating those two look like, knowing the fact those two are kind of f**king religious.
Maybe this is what Islam Hadhari taught these alim people.
Lol.
Taufik // Jun 10, 2007 at 8:15 am
Firstly, I am not married yet, so pardon me for my naivety. If you don’t like what they are doing, then try to be the real pious one, rather than just mocking them. Admitedly, it is quite a challenge to conduct one’s act according to the Islamic way when the society around us is un-Islamic. But we must be able to see the beauty of our religion, and we must have the strength and courage to follow it.
p/s: aset tuka2 aje. hehe. Maybe the less the better
kaki masam // Jun 10, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Astaghfirullah WhatTheF**k,
Jangan menilai Islam berdasarkan purata,
Apa yang akan anda akan jawab jika orang barat mengatakan Islam adalah Ben Laden, dan Ben Laden adalah terrorist?
Islam itu tinggi, tiada yang lagi tinggi daripadanya.
rynk // Jun 11, 2007 at 5:38 am
I like the term :
Husband 1.0 with lots of viruses and trojan horses
kaki bangku // Jun 11, 2007 at 8:32 am
I been busy with final exams and moving to my new apartment the last week, so I only just managed to finish reading up this article. Must say, an excellent assessment. Though the studies mentioned is based on neurological studies, I’m sure it can easily be justified from a behavioral psychologists’ point of view - relationships are more about conditioning processes than anything, and we all know conditioning processes can be work on almost anybody.
Anyway, you might find this article relevant to this topic.
dhuat // Jun 12, 2007 at 4:04 am
Assalamualaikum kalian.
Sekadar berkongsi lagu berikut,
“Romeo dan Layla”
Moga bermanfaat.
Sumber untuk download
http://media.odeo.com/1/6/5/Romeo_Layla-mono.mp3
http://dhuat.multiply.com/music/item/1
Romeo+Layla (Demo)
Narrator:
Di kaki escalator,
menuju ke tempat kerja,
terlihat pemuda mengorat si dara.
Si pemuda namanya Romeo,
hasil daripada pendidikan secular,
terpukau dengan kecantikan si Layla,
Layla:
“Aku bukan dagangan.
Aku bukan murahan.
Kembalilah kau kepada punca.”
Si Romeo kekagetan
dengan tikaman jawapan.
Romeo malu tidak terhingga.
Itu sudah 3 tahun lamanya,
sekarang Romeo ligat berusaha
memartabatkan Islam di persada dunia.
Dengan tidak disangka-sangka,
ayahnya si Layla,
pejuang setia seperti mana juga Romeo haha(suspen)
Mereka sering bersama
merperjuangkan agama
mengorbankan harta, jiwa dan raga.
Satu tika Romeo terlihat
si Layla menjemput ayahnya (ayah Layla)
Oh! alangkah terkejut terkesima!(Romeo)
Romeo membuat pengakuan
kepada ayahnya si Layla
tentang nakalnya dia(Romeo) di waktu muda.
Romeo ingin membetulkan
kesilapan yang telah dilakukan.
Oh adakah si Layla masih keseorangan?
Romeo:
“Wahai ayah si Layla,
ingin hamba bertanya,
Adakah si Layla sudah ada kumbangnya?”
Ayah Layla:
“Wahai sang pejuang setia.
Ya, si Layla sudahpun berpunya,
namun tidaklah bermaksud dirimu hina.”
Si Romeo akur dan redha.
Meneruskan perjuangan juga
walaupun tidak dapat bersama dengan si Layla…
Prosa/Ritma: Dhuat
Album:Revolusi Pejuang Sejati 2007
Nota:Moga cerita ini menjadi pengiktibaran.Seperti selalunya, lagu folk menceritakan kisah benar.(Yang ini campur-campur)
Oh ya lagu folk seperti Dire Straits,Tom Waits,Bruce Springsteen, Eric Clapton,Bob Dylan memang ku kagumi.Tapi aku harus mengolah dengan baik supaya genre yang menarik ini dapat menyumbang kepada penghayatan islam seterusnya menyedarkan orang ramai supaya kembali kepada islam.Seperti format ‘folk song’ yang lain, ia mempunyai narrator dan juga dialog.Lagu folk lebih kepada penceritaan.Story Telling.Suara lain kira hehe…
Kupasan Lirik Romeo+Layla.
Baiklah, saya terpaksa ceritakan juga bahawa kami(saya dan juga sahabat dhuat) bukan setakat membuat musik dan lirik semata.
Mungkin MUSIK lebih tertonjol di sini kerana itu adalah seperti yang dimahukan oleh penulis.(Penulis bias hehe)
Ya kami juga mengikuti program seperti kalian, berusrah , pergi DEMO, hantar memorandom, pilihanraya, program Amal Maaruf Nahi Mungkar, menulis untuk menegur dan apa saja untuk memartabatkan islam.Overhaul!
Yang ingin saya tonjolkan di sini adalah ‘karya yang bukan retorik’.(maaf kalau terkasar bahasa)
Retorik di sini bermaksud semata-mata bernyanyi tanpa membuat kerja-kerja daawah,
merangka program untuk generasi mendatang untuk kembalikan islam kepada tempatnya.
Hasil islami lahir dari ROH islami.
Baiklah kita kembali kepada perbincangan mengenai lirik Romeo+Layla.
1)Pertembungan budaya (Middle East meet West)
2)Perbezaan pemahaman islam dimana Layla adalah jauh lebih thiqoh.
3)Hormati wanita dengan melakukan perkara yang wajar sahaja untuk menikahinya (baca:BUKAN BERCOUPLE!)
4)Tiada dating-dating di sini.
5)Cara gentleman/bersungguh adalah menyatakan hasrat kepada ayah si gadis.
6)Seperti selalunya anak yang solehah akan akur kepada keputusan ayah.
7)Ayah yang bijak akan berbincang dan bertanya kepada isteri serta anak gadisnya sebelum membuat sebarang keputusan.
8)Ayah Layla memang mengasihi Romeo seperti anak sendiri.
9)Keindahan islam merapatkan jurang 2 lelaki yang berbeza usia.
10)Dengan mendalami/memahami islam, kita akan lebih menghormati dan menghargai sesiapa sahaja yang sefikrah.
11)Cinta kepada ALLAH adalah cinta yang TERAGUNG.
Semoga bermanfaat!
http://kaset79.blogspot.com
A Story Of True Love « idle talk… // Jun 12, 2007 at 10:04 am
[...] * Also worth reading Reason on prohibition love before marriage here(contains some Malay terms) Filed under: Ramblings | [...]
Taufik // Jun 17, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Nice article bangku. It never occured to me about behavioral psychologists’ point of view before - good point.
siti norhajah // Jul 15, 2007 at 3:31 am
salam,
ana baru sahaja melihat perbincangan ini. Hangat juga this topic. Dating first then married. Firstly i’m not married. Kalau ikut pendirian ana tak salah mengenal pasangan yang ingin dikahwini tetapi mewujudkan satu relationship yang selalu digunakan couple adalah salah. macamana sebuah perkahwinan akan mendapat keberkatan sedangkan kita melakukan sesuatu yang menyalahi syara’ sebelum ada ikatan yang sah. Ana tahu ramai yang akan mengangap fikiran ana kolot tak follow kemodenan dunia. tapi islam telah menetapkan hukum yang memang ada kebaikkan di sebalik larangan itu. Kalau haram pun sekejap je dah kawin ia dah jadi halal, so bersabarlah wahai sahabat2 ana.
anem // Jul 18, 2007 at 2:55 am
salam…
dating tu m’hmprkn kte dgn zina. bkn ke allah dh kte ‘la takrabu zina’??? pe nk doubt lg.
snany kte tak yah nk risau psl de chemistry ke tak? sbb allah dah janji smue yg lhir d dunia ni b’psgn. kalo kte tak ditakdirkan b’sme d cni, kte akn b’sme d ‘SANA’ utk selamanya…
kte sbgai hamba kne redha dgn ketentuan-NYA krn DIA tau apa yg t’baik utk hmbe-NYA.
kdg2 kte sndri confius dgn pilihan kte,kn? sbb ALLAH jek yg tau pe utk kte snanye. menyimpan prsn 2 tak slh aslkn tau nk bndung.jgn smpai lalai. kalau btl dh ske,wt a cre yg btl..(kawin)
kalo msh rse rsau lg ttg bkl psgn kte 2 smada serasi ke tak,mkna ny hti kte msh blm redha sepenuhnya ats ketentuanNYA.
wallahu’alam…
~astaghfirullah,sy cme smpaikan pe yg sy tau. yg baik dtg dr NYA,yg brk sbb klmahan dri sy sndri.
wassalam…
maniacsicko // Jul 18, 2007 at 4:49 am
hmmm, interesting topic…
a topic that will go on and on forever, if it is being debated about…
simply because for those who don’t really give a d*mn about syariah compliance, they can use all their putar alam excuses to make what’s wrong become right….
and for those on the other side of the fence, they argue the subject on a totally different foundation, for eg. that God is all knowing etc., without actually building these foundations in the first group…
hence there seems to be no meeting point on the topis from the perspective of the two groups
a_kun // Aug 6, 2007 at 7:47 pm
salam,
nice article bro.. thanks for the reminder.
mm.. i just remembered the news that i watched on bbc nearly a year ago.. it is said that the number of divorce in UK for the year 2005-2006 is more than the number of marriege itself! and of course this is very very worrying indeed.
and nowadays you can meet people who will say, “why should i get married if i know it’ll end up with a divorce?”
so can you see how things proggressing?
firstly you wanna date people because to check the chemistry b4 marriage.
the next step is you will end up in a divorce. maybe a generation of divorce couple (mind that the number of divorce in malaysia nowadays is much much higher compared to our grandparents time)
then there will come a generation who dont give a damn about marriage anymore.
is this what they want?
so how to tackle this?
show them the way, that is the solution. and it seems that you’ve already started it by writing an article on this topic. the next step maybe by making a song (as what bro dhuat did), short drama, then film, and the list goes on and on..
wallahua’lam
maniacsicko // Aug 12, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Making a drama or film?
That’s a brilliant idea.
Simply coz all the mainstream drama and films nowadays are filling the minds of the audience with garbage.
To think about the necessity of this issue being tackled, for a practicing Muslim who actually understand Islam, to learn or get into these that ‘career’ line, can be considered fardhu kifayah at this particular time.
Coz it seems that none of those making the dramas and films today are conveying the right message.
of course, then there’s another dilemma, where for one to pursue that path, they have to go thru the learning process that have been shaped by those on the other side. Thus they have to sort of ’sacrifice’ their principles in order to get thru the process to achieve the good goal.
I don’t know if there’s a solution to this dillemma….
w.a.s // Sep 3, 2007 at 9:20 am
huhu..best la bce komen u all..
bg sy byk pndngn yg bleh kite wat kt tjuk nie..
zyun // Sep 8, 2007 at 4:17 pm
salam.
satu soalan:
apakah anda tidak yakin pada janji Allah? owh,kerana itu, anda merasa anda ada lesen untuk buat Allah marah sebab anda rasa mmglah tak boleh nk ikut ayat alquran allah?
tepuk dada, tanya iman
p/s:aku bkn org baik. tp nape kita still degil tak nak jadik org yang baik? nape nape?
kalau asek nak mgata ustaz/ustazah buat keja2 bgitu, nape nak jadikn contoh?kalau dorg tu lambang islam, abes kita tak ke?
ayu_aralia // Oct 29, 2007 at 3:38 am
terpulangla pada diri sendiri sama ada nak berdating ke x…
ok klu kita nak berdating dengan niat nak mengenali diri pasangan kita dengan lebih mendalam…why not!!!!
ada ke lagi orang kat dunia ni x pernah tgk pasangannya sebelum kahwin…sekurang-kurangnya mesti lah kita nak berjumpa….sekarang ni dah abad ke 21 satu ..x kan le kita x boleh fikir yang mana baik dan buruk…
jika berlaku zina pun itu adalah silap diri sendiri yang x dapat mengawal nafsu…so hati-hatilah dalam membuat sebarang tindakan…
eleena // Oct 30, 2007 at 8:08 pm
i am soo agreeing wif the article.. it’s harder to know someone when we are in love.. maybe it’s hard to accept the fact kahwin dulu baru dating.. but for me, it’s more satisfying.. at least tak der dosa kalau holding hands.. dating migh tbe haarmless, tapi biler dah suka, anything can happen.. especially if iman kita ni sumer senipis kulit bawang.. jkadang2 tinggi kadang2 rendah.. juz one thing.. for me, no matter what relationship, we have to know thaat other person first and not juz by dating can we know them.. there are other ways as well, e.g. through friends or directly wif that person but not date la. and we cannot be harsh to people yg dating ni.. coz this issue is so grey and bleak.. we can only advise them to always remember what’s good n what’s not…
faiz azmi // Nov 4, 2007 at 7:39 pm
ayu_aralia , you are being delusional. without doubt, you are claiming that it is okay to justify committing sin simply to satisfy our curiosity. niat tu kene jaga, there shouldn’t be any niat less than to do it for Allah sbt. eg. niat belajar bukan kerana nak dapat grade “A” semata2. but it is to improve ourself as a person so we could be a good muslim, to worship Allah sbt in the best of condition, and ultimately it is for Allah sbt.
i dont care if it is the 6th or the 21st century, your reasoning does not hold up against the fact that it is a sin for a man and a woman to be in close proximity for no good reason (and dating is not a good reason). bezakan baik dan buruk? come on, had us humans know how to do that, there wouldnt be a zaman jahilliah prior to the advent of Islam, alquran and alhadith. your argument borders one who intents to be a jahil.
khal2u // Nov 11, 2007 at 5:46 pm
faiz azmi, i agree wit u. What that u said “i dont care if it is the 6th or the 21st century, your reasoning does not hold up against the fact that it is a sin for a man and a woman to be in close proximity for no good reason (and dating is not a good reason). bezakan baik dan buruk? come on, had us humans know how to do that, there wouldnt be a zaman jahilliah prior to the advent of Islam, alquran and alhadith. your argument borders one who intents to be a jahil.” .. ayu_aralia, plear clear your opinion on this topic
MiSs -M- // Dec 11, 2007 at 1:07 am
well-informed
Taufik // Dec 13, 2007 at 5:56 pm
ayu_aralia, I think I’ve made my claims based on 21st century findings and ideas. How odd that “century” seems to be the issue…
Just a quote by Prof. Jonathan Haidt - he is from the 21st century - a leading researcher in the field of positive psychology : “Nobody can think straight when high on passionate love. People are not allowed to sign contracts when they are drunk, and I sometimes wish we could prevent people from proposing marriage when they are high on passionate love.”
On getting to know your future spouse, it’s a universal concern felt by almost everyone. There is nothing wrong with that, even the Prophet s.a.w. asked a companion to look at his future wife before making his final decision (Sahih Muslim Book 8 Number 3314).
The question is: To romantically love or to get to know?
I am not a syaikh (In fact, I am a layman who is also trying/struggling to find the real meaning of love - companionate love I presume ), so I don’t want to elaborate further about the syari’ah’s perspective. One can always find good books/articles to read on this topic or ask a proper ustaz. Whatever it is, make sure you understand what you disagree properly first, before you start disagreeing.
wuteva // Dec 16, 2007 at 2:24 pm
hey,
i am a person who had been in love. yeah the madly in love type of person. i’ll tell you this, i live in another country, and this man that i love is a foreign man. i can tell u that although i love this man i ve never dated him. although i had the sex drive i never had sex with him. now he’s gone, i m still madly in love. i never blamed him for whatever he had done or possibly done. i blamed myself, so what y point is that dopamine you resented so much kills away the feeling of vengeance that you could have when things go wrong. it is true that national geographic says that dopamine is the source of this madness, but possibly you had never been in love so you dont know how it feels like. from my experience, it is not easy to avoid this, epecially for first time facers. even though sometimes i wished i hadn’t felt love, i usually felt that love is the gift of God. God creates that feeling in you. if you call it an abomination, it is like saying you don’t need your arm or your leg. my other point is that falling in love does not mean dating and holding hands. even though it is true i had tried to impress the person i love i never forced him to love me. in the end he loves someone else, and not me. we are not together, but i’d rather have this than not feeling it at all. now i have a question, say you have fallen in love and then you marry someoe else, but in your heart there is only oe person, the person you love, is that right? are you being honest to the person you marry? just like what national geographic said one has dopamine while dating, and then oxytoxin after having sex, which makes you become rational again, and see the person you love as imperfect anymore. if you are an ethical human, you go on with your relationship, but if you are an animal, you separate. you still have a choice, you can be a human or an animal. and i’m sure God wanted us to choose the human path, which is go on with the relationship once dopamine disappears. dopamine is a gift from God not abomination. so dont say that dopamine is bad, coz dopamine does not comes from dating but sight, smell and knowledge. like what you said, women gets attracted to a man by his broad shoulders and rugged features for the great deal of testoterone. a man gets attracted to woman by her waist to hip ratio which is a sign that she has less fat in her reproduction organs if you dont know that. if you dont know a man can be attracted to a woman’sperume, while a woman prefers the smell of a man who is biologically compatible to her. knowledge is affects love when both lovers know more and more of each either in serecy or during hanouts and dates. so dopamine is not suppose to be your point. your point should only be dating. and dating should also not e wrong if you hang out in public nd not touch one another right? tell me if this is wrong.
rahmah usman // Jan 7, 2008 at 10:54 am
assalamualaikum w.b.t
saya sangat bersetuju dengan isu ini. sebabnya kita milik tuhan dan Dia telah menetapkan sesuatu yg tepat walaupun kadang2 kita rasa berat untuk menerimanya tp Allah S.W.T lebih mengetahui dr kita. jadi sbg hambanya kita patut reda dgn apa yg telah di putuskn olehnya. kita hidup di dunia ini kn cuma sementara. sekerat hari je hidup dlm dunia jika d bandingkn alam akhirat nanti. so x kisahlah klu kita terpaksa telan pahit yg sementara utk hidup kekal di sna..
hindarilah ‘couple without married’ sbb ada satu zina yg kita tak bole lepas klu ‘couple’ iaitu zina hati umpamanya membayang, mngingat & mrindu. zina itukn haram sama mcm kita minum arak & makan babi. apa pn yg kita korban kn di dunia ini semata2 utk dpt keredaan Allah, percayalah segala yg kita korban di dunia ini pasti akan di balas olehNya diakhirat nanti. bersabarlah seketika untk dpt yg lebih baik. jodoh di tangan tuhan… elaklah mcm mana tetap jua bertemu.. dan kejarlah mcm mana klu x dah jodoh begitula suratanNya( cuma di dunia tp di akhirat semua pasti ada pasanganya.) jadi tepuk dada tanyalah selera!
Big Boy // Mar 3, 2008 at 7:25 am
Assalmaualaikum..
I agreed with Rahmah opinion… We are very small compared to Allah. The regulations & restriction just only to test u whether u strong or not. Either we can follow the right way or do everything we want to do…. Please remember, One day we will meet HIM.. You married or not, it up to Allah..
qal // Mar 5, 2008 at 1:47 am
salam,
mcm best je ape yg korang bincang kn ni. tp pandai2 sendri la bila dah kuar dating 2 jgn la way bukan2.kan ALLAH s.w.t tu maha melihat. sebab tu dalam diri kita ni perlu ada ajaran agama.
p/s :aku pun bukan baik sangat.
just watch // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:32 pm
i suggest sebelum kita nak bagi komen apa2, sila baca tafsir al-Quran dan hadith2 yg sahih tentang pergaulan dalam Islam. jgn sekali2 nak buat andaian yg boleh terpesong aqidah. kalau dah termaktub dlm Al-Quran,buat apa nak dpersoalkn lagi dan membantah?? yg penting banyakkan amalan utk dibekalkn ke Akhirat kelak. Cinta yg paling agung adalah CInta Kepada Allah SWT.
hana.. // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:53 pm
bg sy kalo kapel selepas maried lebih baik, halal dan akan lebih terbuka. x jumpa pun x pe, allah telah tetapkan siapa jodoh kita..yang penting kita harus berada di landasan yang betul jangan terpesong. hidup hanya semestera penuhi dengan amalan yang baik…
amyheidi // Apr 21, 2008 at 1:57 am
Assalamualaikum,
This is quite an interesting article. I believe in kahwin dulu baru dating btw, as I saw how effective it is myself, after all, my parents (although diorang bukannya jenis pakai kopiah and tudung labuh, but still they never tinggalkan solat) did just that, and I’ve never seen them argue teruk2 dari kecik sampai besar.
However, I also believe janji Allah in Surah An-Nur ayat 26: Wanita buruk untuk lelaki buruk. Lelaki buruk untuk wanita buruk. Wanita baik untuk lelaki baik. Lelaki baik untuk wanita baik.
Therefore, to get husband 1.0 or wife 1.0 without all the glitches, one must become sebaik-baik wanita or sebaik-baik lelaki, berdasarkan ayat diatas, and sekalipun akhirnya husband 1.0 and wife 1.0 masih juga ada glitches, anggaplah ia ujian dari Allah and niatkan segalanya kepada Allah, insyaAllah perkahwinan (selagi ada jodoh) akan berkekalan.
I’m not married yet myself, and I admit it is hard to explain to people how I don’t want a boyfriend since it is haram, so all I say is that, if he is my husband, he can hold my hand, since I no longer salam tangan lelaki bukan mahram.
lily // Apr 25, 2008 at 11:14 pm
i’m married, thank Allah, to the most wonderful man i’ve ever met. it was really difficult to avoid each other before we got married because we were in the same class (both still studying), and we’re both not in malaysia (in a totally western country).
so i guess when the time finally came to go back to malaysia for the holidays; both of us were really ecstatic and got busy with wedding preparations. people were saying we were both mad.. ya lah, kenal each other tak sampai setahun, i don’t even know his favourite food/drink/song/movie back then. i didn’t need to.
today i know loads about him, and i’m eager to know more. i thank Allah for showing me that life after marriage, eventho i hardly know the guy, is well worth it.
me_yusra86 // Apr 27, 2008 at 7:18 pm
good issue….
so, how about ‘bkawan’
…but never seeing each other…
just contact trough ‘ym’…..
wallaahua’lam….
jom kahwin (halal) // May 10, 2008 at 11:56 pm
kalu you betul2 steady….. suh jer ayahanda n bonda you yang carikan….
dating?
-buang masa
-perabis duit, habis kredit kad
-ujung minggu nk kena kuar ronda2 ngan buah ati
-leteihhhhh weiiii
-usung sana, usung sini
-last2 jadi la crita pak pandirrrrrrr
-mengusar org lain, bercinta ngan org lain
-bertunang ngan org lain, kawen plak ngan org lain
-dont gedik2 nk berdating
jom kahwin (halal) // May 11, 2008 at 12:10 am
budak2 nih degil, tanak dengar cakap orang tua.
suke buat benda pelik2, kalu dah ditegur tuuu…..ikut aja laaaa.
ni dok buat pala tau lagi…aku penah dating, aku tau la mcm mana jadi ny….
bohong la kalu aku kata tidak berlaku sentuhan tanpa alas…nafsu nih jgn kata laaaa……niat mula2 nk kuar dating memang la bes, niat nk pi mkn ja, time dok mkn tuuu mula laaaa…..niat dah diconer kan…..kesemua nya lebih ke arah mengikut nafsu n evil…selagi tak dpt ape yg dok main dlm kpala tuuuu….selagi tu la otak ni ligat jak dok pikiaq….nk pula dpt gadis yg gedik2, lagi lh…hancorrrr,
aku tatau la you alll ni mcm mana? tapi aku terus terang la bgitau yg aku memang tak dapat control nafsu lau berdua2 an ngan yg bukan muhrim….
bahaya lebih drpd kabaikan….
cara terbaik adalah… jauh kan diri dengan kuar ngan mana2 gadis yg bukn muhrim @ dating kepala hatok luuuuu….
sekian saja hujah saya, yang arif
Shauran // May 23, 2008 at 10:02 am
bagi saya, kita tidak seharus nya meletakkan sesuatu seperti kawin dulu baru dating atau dating dulu baru kawin, dengan kata lain, kenali antara satu sama lain dulu baru kawin atau kawin baru mengenali antara satu sama lain, apa yang kamu ngarotkan??? bu bla bu bla….saya pun penah couple tapi mana ada pegang tangan, jika hati korang benar2 kerana Allah korang melakukan nya kerana Allah korang takkan buat mcm tu, kalau kawin dulu baru dating mengapa ada juga keluarga yang porak peranda,dgn alasan dulu i tak kenal u sgt, i tak tau u tak sesuai la,atau ada sesuatu sikap yang diantara sebelah pihak pasangan yg tidak suka telatah kamu, ist depands in u self, selagi kerana Allah mesti kamu menjaga dan saling menjaga hati sesama hati, klau hati kamu mecintai nya hanya setakat luaran dan bukan dari keperibain nya, 60% je lah harapan untuk mendirikan istana bahagia, korang tiada azam mencari dan menunggu dgn tabah, mentang2 lah skrg byk cerita cintan, jadi ia secara tidak lansung mempengaruhi diri kamu, lagi2 persekitaran kamu byk orang couple2 nih, tentu korang pernah fikir,diorang semua couple ada kasih sayang menyayangi,aku je yg takde awek/pakwe,selagi hati kamu mengatakan, ah biarlah aku tak heran dgn pakwe makwa, hidup ku kerana Allah dan ibubada yg menjaga ku bukan kerana pakwe makwe, siapa korang untuk aku menyayangi dan mengambil berat sgt….dgn kata lain, jika awk tgk dan kwn dia lama,pasti awk mengenali hati dia adakah dia baik atau buruk,lihat cara bercakap, pakaian, sifat2 nya dan keihklasan nya dimana, insyallah pilihan hati kamu untuk bahagia akan kamu perolehi, tapi….sebagai org islam saya selalu tidak mahu menipu, saya pernah couple dgn seorang prmpn,katanya dia hidup susah dan di seksa oleh ibubapa nya,memang ia benar sebab saya dah pun siasat, dia selalu berserah pd allah akan hidup nya, dia menutup aurat, sopan santun lemah lembut dan memang kelihatan seperti anak yg solehah,dan kata nya di ada kenser usus,saya tidak percaya dan ia seperti menipu org yang lurus bendul mcm saya,saya lihat dia kuat berkerja di rumah, dan menyayangi ibubapa nya walaupun telah mendera dia,kadang2 ada sampai muntah darah, dia tidak memberi tahu keluarganya tentang sakit nya,dia biar diri nya tersiksa, siapa tak mahu awek mcm nie? setelah lama kenal baru lah saya benar2 mencintai dia, hubungan ini berterusan sehingga 2 tahun baru pernah saya menyentuh tgn nya jika hanya saya hantar dia balik rumah, dia salam dan mencium tgn saya, sy mmg tekad menyukai nya, sy faham pasti tuhan tahu isi hati kami berdua bkn kerana suka2, selama 2 tahun itu ape yg dia buat saya percaya walaupun kawan saya kata berhati2 takut dia ini penipu, hati saya percayai dia, mcm2 perkara telah berlaku namun bgai mn cinta saya pada dia pun saya tetap tidak lupa kata2 kawan saya dan orang2 yang menasihati saya, saya percayakan dia,saya byk pergaduhan dlm menegakkan hal diri nya, saya memberi dia duit sekadar yang saya mampu,kami ini seperti dipertemukan oleh tuhan,mengapa saya boleh mengenali dia seperti tahu2 saja saya boleh menolong kesusahan dia, saya anggap tuhan menemukan dia kpd saya krn saya sj yang mampu tolong dia dan tidak dipermainkan oleh org jahil,dia kata dengan soalan yang menyedihkan, ‘entah bila saya akan jadi begini terus hidup tersiksa,bila ajal saya? saya dah tak sanggup hidup,’ lalu dia menangis2…..sy tahan diri hendak menangis tapi tidak mampu, sampai begitu sekali kisah cinta saya kwn2….tapi apa yg berlaku,,saya pendekkan cerita, itu berlaku selepas 2 tahun selepas itu pd 26 april 08, baru2 ini saja, ada sorang lelaki sms saya dia tahu nama saya dan bertanya kenal x nombor ini 012xxxxxxx? saya mmbalas saya kenal, awk siapa? dia bls dia nk jmpa sy ada hal penting nk dia bincang dgn sy, kami pun tetapkan lah tarikh ms dan jenis orang dan baju, bila jumpa….kami bercerita bla…bla bla… rupa nya dia juga pakwe saya punya makwe…..dan lelaki itu telah keluarkan sebulan rm300 untuk menyara dia,makwe dia memberi alasan dia dipaksa berkahwin dgn pemandu lori, kalau pakwe dia tak dapat menjaga nya dia akan dikahwin kan dgn pemandu lori, dan kata prmpn itu lagi ’saya sgt sayang kan is saya tak sanggup pisah dgn is’ kata lelaki tersebut pd saya, sy tidak percaya akan kata lelaki tersebut, sy nak dia buktikan, dia tunjuk sms2 yg dia main yg dia main dgn awek saya, ms dan hari semua nya ms selepas saya jumpa dgn dia, dan bukti dari perbualan mereka berdua sedang berasmara….ape cite? seorang gadis yg konon nya kelihatan Suci sopan santun dan berbudi bahasa seperti anak solehah bertudung labuh lagi, berani berbohong dan mengatakan ”Demi ALLAH”? demi kitab alquran dan rasul? apa nie????? dimana hati yg dikata kan beriman itu dari luaran sahaja? dasar munafik, korang tak akan faham mcm mana perit nya hati saya kiwa saya ms tu… sia2 saya mendoakan dia,menolong dia kerana Allah, saya menangis2 ketika solat,mengaji bezikir berdoa mengharap dia sembuh atas izin allah, Selepas peristiwa tu saya sendiri tak tahu mcm mana mengenali membaca isi hati dan menilai seseorang, sy kecewa dgn kebodohan saya, bg sy semua sama, sukar untuk saya membezakan permata di celahan kata yg tajam,sy jadi pendiam dan tidak ramah, Mengapa ujian sebegini saya lalui? adakah ini nasib hidup di bumi Allah kita takkan lepas dari ujian dunia, dari manusia yg jahil dan syaitan yg menghasut, jadi kawan2…mungkin inilah dikatakan akhir zaman, jgn lah kita menilai buruk baik seseorang hanya melihat dari luaran,kita harus lihat dari hatinya, i know ,no budy is perfect must ada cacat cela, Tuhan cipta kita sempurna kerana kita mempunyai akal fikiran yang dapat membezakan mana baik dan buruk, dan dgn kata lain hidup ini seperti dadu, nasib2 jer apa yg kita dapat itu telah menjadi takdir, tapi kwn2…dgn doa dan usaha yg ikhlas pasti boleh mengubah hidup kita atas izin alllah. jd jgn kita salahkan kawin dulu baru dating atau datind dulu baru kawin, kita harus salahkan diri kita kerana kita lah yang menentukan diri kita sendiri ke jalan yg salah,our depends okey…. kalau itu cara mengelakkan diri pun ia tetap tak berkesan jika takde jati diri, kawin lah korang dating lah korang macam mana pun, if u do it wrong is be label of takdir is wrong…. tak ada alasan….
Assalamulaikum….
Zasss // May 24, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Takde…memang perlu Dating dulu baru kahwin…sebabnya adalah kalau tidak padan, parah nanti…
At least datinglah 3 tahun dulu sebelum kahwin, baru kenal betul2. Semasa dating tu buatlah sesuatu aktiviti bersama seperti bisnes kecilan atau projek NGOs ke… jangan dok dating kat shopping kompleks je atau pegang tangan kat cafe je…
Cubalah pergi melancung bersama - trekking kat hutan berkumpulan atau pergi back-packing kat India ke - macam2 boleh buat dalam 3 tahun tu -sebab dengan tidak sengaja bila mengalami kesusahan semasa membuat aktiviti bersama tu , you nampaklah karektor dia yang sebenar…
You boleh yakin ke tidak dengan dia untuk menjadi partner…
Kan bagus tu Dating dulu sebelum Kahwin…
manusia kerdil // Jun 7, 2008 at 1:17 am
alhamdulillah..Allah msh lg mmberi kesempatan utk kita sama2 berkongsi n mmbr pandangan.sebenarnya kaedah setiap yg bawa kpd haram,hukumnya adalah haram.syaitan x suruh buat dosa besar terus,dia mula dgn yg kecik2 dulu. sebenarnya dlm islam x pernah wujud perkataan”COUPLE”. mungkin bg sesetengah org,kalau x bercouple mcm mana nak kenal siapa dirinya yg sebenar.tapi sebenarnya Allah dah tetapkan cara2nya tanpa perlu berdating.mungkin bg sesiapa yg pernah berdating akan kata kami x buat apa2 pun.kami x berzina pun.tapi sebenarnya tanpa disedari mereka tlh pun berzina..mcm mana??dgn hati dan fikiran mrk.betul x?syaitan x pernah jemu utk sesatkan manusia.dia akan sntiasa mmperindahkan setiap dosa itu agar manusia kabur dan lalai dlm dosa.setiap detik yg berlalu pasti akan dipenuhi dgn khayalan kpd si dia.sepatutnya kita meletakkan cinta kita kpd yg selayaknya,Allah s.w.t.seharusnya kita penuhi setiap detik kita dgn mendekatkan diri dan mengingati Allah s.w.t.sebab hanya DIA yg selayaknya kita cintai.manusia hanyalah sebagai teman dlm perjalanan menuju redhaNYA.oleh itu solatlah istikharah dulu meminta petunjukNYA dlm mencari pasangan hidup.tawakal is the best.ingatlah Allah berfirman”mungkin kamu x suka pd sesuatu itu tapi Allah mmberinya kpdmu.mgkin kamu fikir bnda tu baik utk kamu tapi Allah x mmberinya kpad kamu.sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui.andai tiada jodoh di dunia bukankah gelaran mukmin,muslim itu lbih indah….bg sesiapa yg ingi mengetahui lbh lanjut psl couple blhla merujuk buku Al-Islam wal jins-FATHI YAKAN dan Ahkam bait muslim.juga blh mmbaca buku”nikmatnya pacaran setelah berkahwin….
Taufik // Jun 7, 2008 at 9:48 pm
What’s more important is Taqwa. Without taqwa there is no moral integrity. Without moral integrity, no relationship will hold – do whatever you like. And we live in an age of moral bankruptcy: welcome =D
siswi // Jul 26, 2008 at 3:58 am
ana come across this article just on the right time. “kawin dulu baru dating”- that is my topic.
alhamdulillah im in guidence of Allah since i`ve been invole in jln tarbiyah for 1 year. after knowing islam-the pure islam witout contaminated by 1 million muslim, i understood by term :~’kawin dulu baru dating”
now i wonder why too many people din`nt understand this term.. ‘kawin dulu baru dating”
did`nt they believe to Allah`s Qadar?
but i`m thinking on my past.. for ten years i belive in term” dating dulu baru kawin”..
the lesson is -to understood “kawin dulu br dating”…we should know Allah first without being contaminated by 1 million muslim. follow His route..u`ll find the rahmat behind that…
wallahualam;)
azizol // Sep 21, 2008 at 8:12 am
nawaitu…kalau dah niat ke arah maksiat…jadi la maksiat..kalau niat nak kenali lagi hati bakal isteri…x la haram jadinya..
yatie // Sep 24, 2008 at 3:07 am
memangla tp kalau dah terlalu lama bercinta banyak dugaannye
simpati // Feb 8, 2009 at 5:39 am
bismillahirrahmanirrahim..assalamualaikum wbt
sedih sy membaca cerita drp shbt kte shauran… berat ujian utk dia…tp igtlah, Allah beri sesuatu ujian tu sesuai dgn kemampuan kte, Allah takkan menzalimi hambaNya..Fahaman sy stlh membaca komen shauran, ternyata shauran meletakkan rasa syg kpd si dia melebihi syg kpd DIA…melalui kisah shauran nampak sgt2 lah keburukan brdating sblm kahwin…sbb apa? konon lah awal2 menulis, xpernah holding hands…dating ikhlas kerana Allah ye..tp bila dh baca, hah….?!!!! boleh pulak bersalam, cium tangan…amboi mcm dah halal jek? dah jelas2 mungkar…kelakar2….diri sndiri yg tempah bencana…takkan dh jd bgitu masih anggap hubungan tu diredhai Allah…ingatlah, hubungan yg bermula tanpa keredhaanNya…akan berakhir dgn??? baik…hm tp ingatlah sesuatu yg terjadi tu ada hikmah nya..tolong jgn slhkan penampilan yg mmg Allah telah gariskan dlm surah An-nur ayat 31..
mcm ni lah, kita nak nilai seseorang sama ada baik atau x mmg bukan dr segi penampilannya sahaja…tp mari sy ajak berfikir sejenak…apabila kte lihat pnampilan seseorang..spt contoh, berpakaian x menutup aurat…jelaslah dia sdh pun ingkar arahan tuhannya sndiri…sedangkan iblis yg ingkar perintah Allah spy sujud hormat pd nabi Adam pn dilaknat shg ke hari ini..jd, kesimpulannye baik ke org begitu?
mungkin ada yg kata, perempuan pakai tdg labuh la ape2 la pn dating….knp mesti nak letakkan title yg ‘bertudung abuh dan lain2′ tu…knp perlu nak salahkan cara pemakaian yg menutup aurat dgn sempurna, kalau org yg x menutup aurat dating, pandai2 senyap pula…nampak sgt, saje je nak menjatuhkan Islam itu sendiri..bayangkan, org Islam menjatuhkan Islam? na’uzubillah…selain mulut mengata, pernah ke saudara/saudari menasihati…lantas apakah maksud ukhwah bg anda..renungilah hadis nabi, ’sesiapa yg bangun (pd waktu) pagi dan tdk mengambil berat urusan org Islam, dia bknlh dr golongan mrk’.. sanggup?
renung2 kan lah…sekian, assalamualaikum.
missmatch // May 5, 2009 at 11:59 pm
assalamualaikum.
i understand the goodness of falling in love after marriage.most of you said that we can get to know our partners after we get married,and only by spending 15 minutes we can see whether we can get along with that person or not.but sometimes a book’s cover doesnt actually reflects it’s actual content.what if after we get married,the person isnt like the person we thought he/she was that first 15 minutes we saw them? xkan nak bercerai pula,bila kita tgk diri kita dgn dia x sehaluan,x serasi.utk setengah orang bila kata dating tu,bukan laa dr segi berpegang tangan berdua-duaan.tapi berdating maksud nak mengenali diri dgn lebih dalam lg. tp secara sopan dan baik. bukan berdua,jauh dari pandangan orang. is that wrong too ?
Why not kahwin dulu baru dating? « -jabalnurr- // Aug 27, 2009 at 3:46 am
[...] Source: Kakiblog.com [...]
nek // Oct 18, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Salam to all..
Ugh, it’s getting hot here with this big issue.. it’s always a big, hot n evergreen issue, esp among young adults..but, really, it is very good article..mabruk bro.. it’s very wisely written!
Ok, i’m here just to share my experience.. I’m still a student, and married. Still, it’s 21st century and most people go jaw-dropping when i tell them i’m still a student and got married when i was 20 and now been happily married for 3 years.
Well, I fell in love wif my husband (and still falling now) 8 months before we got married and only God knows how the feeling was. To me, personally, it’s not just all the dopamine mentioned here, but also our cortisol level (responsible for stress) increased. why? we feel sooo guilty because we know that it is wrong wrong wrong to go dating first before u got married.
during that time, we r in the same faculty, same programme and the same class. and here, i’m not denying that some facts that our friends mentioned here, we’re in 21st century and the technology is so0o much better than before that we have emails, friendster, sms, phonecalls to get to know each other. The not so good thing is the desire to communicate to each other is soo big too when u have all of these utilities around!
so, we live in our colourful world (due to love) and also our dark period (due to tremendous guilt and shame to Allah and people and our parents and ourselves) for 8 month. before i feel the love, i’m one of those person that insist that love can be put under one’s control and they should observe how they act when they are in love. yet, when i’m in it, IT IS NOT SO EASY THO! so, there we are, suffocating between our feelings, rationality, faith and belief.
then, after 8 months, we decided to get married and like what happend to one of our sister here - everybody said we’re mad, gatal sangat nak kawen, immature yet, in fact, the decision we’ve made is to protect OUR dignity, OUR relationship, OUR iman and OUR health (due to prolonged exposure to bad stress ^_^) Sooo, there is something i’d like to conclude and share to all based on my experience here…
1. To couples: Love is there. we can’t deny its nature, we cant avoid it and one day we’ll face it. It’s the BEST that u experience it AFTER u are married, really, i mean it.. But, people are varied in term of WHEN they fell in love, WHERE, AND with WHOM. you may fell in love BEFORE u got married. yet, consider to observe the relationship and if u think that both of u cannot control ur relationship and it may deviate to the wrong path, consider to get married,ok?it’s not so bad after all, i still perform well in my study and still makan nasi tak pnah la tak cukup duet..May His Love and Blessing be after both of you…
2. To those single person out there, ENJOY your single life, add more qualities to urself, improve ur iman,kept urself closer to Allah, spend more time wif ur parents, and - live ur life! because, u never know when u’ll fall in love and when u’ll get married. whichever comes first, ur love to Allah is the most important thing to ensure ur marriage and life would be under His blessings…
3. For those who believe Dating dulu baru kawen: Believe the guy who wrote this article and believe Allah who gives us the shar’i..so happened I took psychology too and know wut, dating x only influence our physiological changes, but also the direction of your future relationship. Interpersonal communication happen in stages where it elevates (while u date, know each other) and up to one point, when u known so well about all of the positive part of that person, and ha, the relationship would start to decelerate! the good thing when Kawen dulu baru dating is - u know the positive and negative qualities in your spouse serentak and at that time, u’ll madly in love but u are married, isnt it the nicest thing?
To parents: i understand ur feeling of wanting the best for ur child. belief me, by giving ur full support when ur child voice out their wishes to get married while stdying/ want to get married with a person they x know but that person loves Allah more than anything else, it might the best thing that ever happened to ur child and that’s wut my parents did!
4. To couple who wants to get married but parents x allow: du’a du’a and du’a and solat hajat and istikharo… May Allah gives u strength to wait and observe the rship with iman and patience till the time comes..
Hope this’ll be good sharing..and thanks a lot for the articles..Wallahualam..
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